Dear Daniel:
We receive monthly reports from the company who does training for our members. If you see any of them come in via the US Postal Service, could you please give them to me for now? There are certain legalities involving these grades that require them to be seen only on a NEED TO KNOW basis. If you actually SEE a grade, I'll have to burn out your retinas. Thank you.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Donald Rumsfeld
Dear Daniel:
I'm attaching our illustrious boss's event spreadsheet that I just received. I can honestly say that I have yet to see anything more ANAL in the 40 years (shut up) that I've been alive. I'm shocked that bathroom breaks are not included.
P.S. Am I the only one on this planet who finds Donald Rumsfeld to be a sexy older gentleman??
I'm attaching our illustrious boss's event spreadsheet that I just received. I can honestly say that I have yet to see anything more ANAL in the 40 years (shut up) that I've been alive. I'm shocked that bathroom breaks are not included.
P.S. Am I the only one on this planet who finds Donald Rumsfeld to be a sexy older gentleman??
The Competition
Dear Daniel:
Today I take you on an interesting trip down memory lane when life was simple and there was no such thing as technology. Click on the link below and you'll find yourself in yesteryear (our competition's site). Click on the link for their convention photos. Click on one of the pictures. You can then do one of several things. You can go out and buy a new car, get divorced and remarried or paint your neighbor's house. When you return, you may be looking at a picture...or you may still be waiting for it to load.
The competition...light years behind...
Today I take you on an interesting trip down memory lane when life was simple and there was no such thing as technology. Click on the link below and you'll find yourself in yesteryear (our competition's site). Click on the link for their convention photos. Click on one of the pictures. You can then do one of several things. You can go out and buy a new car, get divorced and remarried or paint your neighbor's house. When you return, you may be looking at a picture...or you may still be waiting for it to load.
The competition...light years behind...
Faxes
Dear Daniel:
We have a very serious issue this morning. I received a call from a distraught woman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (who wouldn't be distraught living in WISCONSIN???) Her phone has been ringing all night and her caller ID reveals that, alas, it is us. We've been trying to fax her and she's apparently caught in a "loop". I've fixed the problem in the database(s) but if you're broadcasting a fax her number may still be cycling. Please go into RightFax and manually delete the number. Her husband is very cranky this morning and her marriage hangs in the balance. Thank you.
We have a very serious issue this morning. I received a call from a distraught woman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (who wouldn't be distraught living in WISCONSIN???) Her phone has been ringing all night and her caller ID reveals that, alas, it is us. We've been trying to fax her and she's apparently caught in a "loop". I've fixed the problem in the database(s) but if you're broadcasting a fax her number may still be cycling. Please go into RightFax and manually delete the number. Her husband is very cranky this morning and her marriage hangs in the balance. Thank you.
Xerox
Dear Daniel:
Alas, Friday the 13th comes true. In an unprecedented show of nastiness, the Xerox machine has literally burned itself out. While doing it's last job, it tripped it's circuit breaker...emitting a burning aroma that was not all that unpleasant. When I called service, I was advised to pull the plug IMMEDIATELY and step away from the machine! Needless to say, I did it post haste. Xerox is ordering bright and shiny new parts which should be available on Monday. Until then all copying will be suspended. Thank you.
Alas, Friday the 13th comes true. In an unprecedented show of nastiness, the Xerox machine has literally burned itself out. While doing it's last job, it tripped it's circuit breaker...emitting a burning aroma that was not all that unpleasant. When I called service, I was advised to pull the plug IMMEDIATELY and step away from the machine! Needless to say, I did it post haste. Xerox is ordering bright and shiny new parts which should be available on Monday. Until then all copying will be suspended. Thank you.
Boxes
Dear Daniel:
Hi other banking person...
I need boxes! The bigger, the better. There are many care packages for my niece in the future and I find myself with nothing to ship in. Any and all contributions are welcome.
Now...on to the weekend weather...it will be hazy, hot and humid for the remainder of the week and into next week. A tropical low, acting much like a heat pump, will be drawing the steamy air into our region. It is recommended that the elderly, the very young and all bankers try to stay indoors.
Hi other banking person...
I need boxes! The bigger, the better. There are many care packages for my niece in the future and I find myself with nothing to ship in. Any and all contributions are welcome.
Now...on to the weekend weather...it will be hazy, hot and humid for the remainder of the week and into next week. A tropical low, acting much like a heat pump, will be drawing the steamy air into our region. It is recommended that the elderly, the very young and all bankers try to stay indoors.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Getting to Know More of You...
Dear Daniel: I know you hate these emails but do it anyway...I can't wait to see your answers...
This is a questionnaire to get to know each other better. Read through the comments below about your friend and then make sure you read the instructions at the bottom. Have Fun!
1. What time is it? 3:41 PM on a Friday afternoon
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Jane Sammartine
3. Nickname(s): Janie
5. Eye colour: Brown except when I wear the funky blue contacts which are just loads of fun but make my eyesite blurry to the point of distraction.
6. Place of birth: Manhattan, New York
7. Favourite food: Lobster followed by a hot fudge sundae with vanilla custard and homemade whipped cream
8. Ever been to California? nah
9. Ever been toilet papering? No…toilet papering is just morally and ethically wrong
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? unfortunately
11. Been in a car accident: yep
12. Croutons or Bacon Bits? Bacon bits…croutons taste like stinky cheese sometimes. Ain't nothin worse than stinky cheese except perhaps for tailgaters and whores who have 11 items in the 10 item express lane
13. Favorite day of the week: Friday
14. Favorite Restaurant? Used to be Chianti's in Chambersburg but they apparently had tax problems and fled the state
15. Favorite flower(s): Orchids
16. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey
17. Favorite drink: Apple Martini
18. Favorite ice cream: Chocolate chip cookie dough
19. Disney or Warner Bros.: Disney
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: Don't eat fast food…gives me agita
21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Used to be beige…don't really know what it is now after the big, stupid dog and two evil cats have had their way with it. Now that I think of it, I could really use new carpeting
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Come on, do I look like an old woman in a hat?
23. Before this, who did you get your last email from? My boss, Tim
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The Chevy dealer on Route One where they have all the shiny Corvettes looking for good homes
25. What do you do most often when you are bored? Get into trouble
26. What is your bedtime: Does it matter…I'm usually up most of the night anyway
27. Who will respond to this email the quickest? Jane Swanson
28. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Liz…but who can blame her…she lives on Nantucket and has a life
29. TV shows: Lost and 24
30. Last person you went out to dinner with: Does pizza count?
31. Ford or Chevy: First On Race Day
32. What are you listening to right now? Sabrina typing and the screaming in my head
33. What is your favorite colour: Lavender
34. Lake, ocean or river? Depends on where they are
35. How many tattoos do you have? Two
36. Time you finished this email: 3:52 PM…8 more minutes and my weekend officially begins
37. Have you ever run out of gas? No…do I look like an old woman in a hat?
38. Cats or dogs? Cats to love and dogs to love me
This is a questionnaire to get to know each other better. Read through the comments below about your friend and then make sure you read the instructions at the bottom. Have Fun!
1. What time is it? 3:41 PM on a Friday afternoon
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Jane Sammartine
3. Nickname(s): Janie
5. Eye colour: Brown except when I wear the funky blue contacts which are just loads of fun but make my eyesite blurry to the point of distraction.
6. Place of birth: Manhattan, New York
7. Favourite food: Lobster followed by a hot fudge sundae with vanilla custard and homemade whipped cream
8. Ever been to California? nah
9. Ever been toilet papering? No…toilet papering is just morally and ethically wrong
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? unfortunately
11. Been in a car accident: yep
12. Croutons or Bacon Bits? Bacon bits…croutons taste like stinky cheese sometimes. Ain't nothin worse than stinky cheese except perhaps for tailgaters and whores who have 11 items in the 10 item express lane
13. Favorite day of the week: Friday
14. Favorite Restaurant? Used to be Chianti's in Chambersburg but they apparently had tax problems and fled the state
15. Favorite flower(s): Orchids
16. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey
17. Favorite drink: Apple Martini
18. Favorite ice cream: Chocolate chip cookie dough
19. Disney or Warner Bros.: Disney
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: Don't eat fast food…gives me agita
21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Used to be beige…don't really know what it is now after the big, stupid dog and two evil cats have had their way with it. Now that I think of it, I could really use new carpeting
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Come on, do I look like an old woman in a hat?
23. Before this, who did you get your last email from? My boss, Tim
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The Chevy dealer on Route One where they have all the shiny Corvettes looking for good homes
25. What do you do most often when you are bored? Get into trouble
26. What is your bedtime: Does it matter…I'm usually up most of the night anyway
27. Who will respond to this email the quickest? Jane Swanson
28. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Liz…but who can blame her…she lives on Nantucket and has a life
29. TV shows: Lost and 24
30. Last person you went out to dinner with: Does pizza count?
31. Ford or Chevy: First On Race Day
32. What are you listening to right now? Sabrina typing and the screaming in my head
33. What is your favorite colour: Lavender
34. Lake, ocean or river? Depends on where they are
35. How many tattoos do you have? Two
36. Time you finished this email: 3:52 PM…8 more minutes and my weekend officially begins
37. Have you ever run out of gas? No…do I look like an old woman in a hat?
38. Cats or dogs? Cats to love and dogs to love me
Getting to Know You...
Hey...hey...loved your answers! Here's another...
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 am...it's an ungodly time of day. Why must we all work the same hours like sheep being led to the slaughter?
2. How do you like your steaks cooked? Medium...poor cows.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? World Trade Center
4. What is your favorite TV show? 24...24 and 24!!!
5. What did you have for breakfast? A vanilla yogurt breakfast bar...surprisingly delicious I might add.
6. What is your middle name? Ellen, which is Nelle spelled backwards
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian which is nailati spelled backwards :)
8. What foods do you dislike? Gooey foods...I like stuff that's crispy
9. What are your favorite chips? Poker chips...lots of them in front of me
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Nine Lives by Aerosmith
11. What kind of car do you drive? Mustang Convertible but my dream car is a Corvette convertible, any year
12. What is your favorite sandwich? Tuna as long as it's made with WHOLE WHITE TUNA in water...don't let them fool you...the chunky white is DARK!! Damn those Star-Kist liars!!
13. What characteristics do you despise? I deeply despise most characteristics but the one that bugs me most is arrogance.
14. What are your favorite clothes? My dark blue feetie pajamas with my cat in the hat slippers...in front of a fire in the family room while it snows...as long as Kimmy isn't out in her car. That's more than you wanted to know though, isn't it?
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? I don't have to vacation...I have hot flashes that remind me of the beach every day.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? The brand that FITS snug around the arse
17. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere where there are NO SEASONS. The whole changing seasons thing is a pain in my ass. You have to change the clothes in your closet and drag out the other clothes and wash them and take out your boots...it's just so INVOLVED. Give me summer all year round!
18. Favorite time of day? 7:00 PM
19. Where were you born? Manhattan
20. What is your favorite sport to watch? I'm having an almost spiritual deja vu...these questions are always the same. Instead of favorite sport, why not favorite teacher or favorite gemstone or favorite boss? Someone out there has very little creativity.
21. Who do you think will not send this back? Everyone
22. Person you expect to send back? See above
23. Pepsi or Coke? I don't drink anything that can take rust off of precious metals.
24. Beavers or ducks? I'm not touching this one...
25. Are you a morning person or a night owl? It's hard to be a night person when you're in bed at like 9:30...if I had my druthers though, I'd say a night owl.
26. Pedicure or manicure? Does anyone know what the hell a druther even is?
27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Reese Witherspoon is getting a divorce and I'm devastated.
28. What did you want to be when you were little? Wealthy
29. What is your best childhood memory? When we were forced out of our second floor apartment by third floor noisy neighbors, as we walked away, by Uncle Kenny flipped them the bird. I was always tickled by that.
30. Piercings? 5 in the ears, one in the bellybutton
31. Ever been to Africa? I don't like leaving the country...I'm always hesitant that they'll let me back in.
32. Ever been toilet papering? My favorite gemstone is blue topaz, by the way.
33. Been in a car accident? My favorite boss is the one I have right now. His name is on the forward list and annual review time is coming up, ya know.
34. Favorite day of the week? Friday
35. Favorite restaurant? Siam in Lambertville
36. Favorite Flower? I would rather not have flowers at my funeral...spend the money at a reputable animal shelter and I may spare you future hauntings.
37. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate chip cookie dough but I love all ice cream...it's my favorite treat. Does coffee ice cream have caffeine cause I swear it's kept me up at night.
38. Favorite fast food restaurant? Fast food and restaurant is an oxymoron.
39. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Not once...I can chew gum and walk at the same time, too.
40. From whom did you get your last email? Rob Tartaglia 41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Bang Bang at the Freehold mall.
42.Bedtime: Can we all say redundant?
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? I'd love to see George W. Bush's response to this imposing little quiz.
44. What are you listening to right now? The click of my typing
45. What is your favorite color? Pink
46. How many tattoos do you have? 2
47. How many are you sending this email to? My favorite teacher was an english professor in college. His name was Barry but I can't remember his last name. He let us smoke in class and we all thought that was way cool.
48. What time did you finish this email? 1:38 PM, while eating an egg roll at my desk for lunch. Too lazy to go home for lunch today so I figured I'd waste my time doing this.
49. Favorite magazine? What a stupid way to end this, huh? Favorite magazine???
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 am...it's an ungodly time of day. Why must we all work the same hours like sheep being led to the slaughter?
2. How do you like your steaks cooked? Medium...poor cows.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? World Trade Center
4. What is your favorite TV show? 24...24 and 24!!!
5. What did you have for breakfast? A vanilla yogurt breakfast bar...surprisingly delicious I might add.
6. What is your middle name? Ellen, which is Nelle spelled backwards
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian which is nailati spelled backwards :)
8. What foods do you dislike? Gooey foods...I like stuff that's crispy
9. What are your favorite chips? Poker chips...lots of them in front of me
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Nine Lives by Aerosmith
11. What kind of car do you drive? Mustang Convertible but my dream car is a Corvette convertible, any year
12. What is your favorite sandwich? Tuna as long as it's made with WHOLE WHITE TUNA in water...don't let them fool you...the chunky white is DARK!! Damn those Star-Kist liars!!
13. What characteristics do you despise? I deeply despise most characteristics but the one that bugs me most is arrogance.
14. What are your favorite clothes? My dark blue feetie pajamas with my cat in the hat slippers...in front of a fire in the family room while it snows...as long as Kimmy isn't out in her car. That's more than you wanted to know though, isn't it?
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? I don't have to vacation...I have hot flashes that remind me of the beach every day.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? The brand that FITS snug around the arse
17. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere where there are NO SEASONS. The whole changing seasons thing is a pain in my ass. You have to change the clothes in your closet and drag out the other clothes and wash them and take out your boots...it's just so INVOLVED. Give me summer all year round!
18. Favorite time of day? 7:00 PM
19. Where were you born? Manhattan
20. What is your favorite sport to watch? I'm having an almost spiritual deja vu...these questions are always the same. Instead of favorite sport, why not favorite teacher or favorite gemstone or favorite boss? Someone out there has very little creativity.
21. Who do you think will not send this back? Everyone
22. Person you expect to send back? See above
23. Pepsi or Coke? I don't drink anything that can take rust off of precious metals.
24. Beavers or ducks? I'm not touching this one...
25. Are you a morning person or a night owl? It's hard to be a night person when you're in bed at like 9:30...if I had my druthers though, I'd say a night owl.
26. Pedicure or manicure? Does anyone know what the hell a druther even is?
27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Reese Witherspoon is getting a divorce and I'm devastated.
28. What did you want to be when you were little? Wealthy
29. What is your best childhood memory? When we were forced out of our second floor apartment by third floor noisy neighbors, as we walked away, by Uncle Kenny flipped them the bird. I was always tickled by that.
30. Piercings? 5 in the ears, one in the bellybutton
31. Ever been to Africa? I don't like leaving the country...I'm always hesitant that they'll let me back in.
32. Ever been toilet papering? My favorite gemstone is blue topaz, by the way.
33. Been in a car accident? My favorite boss is the one I have right now. His name is on the forward list and annual review time is coming up, ya know.
34. Favorite day of the week? Friday
35. Favorite restaurant? Siam in Lambertville
36. Favorite Flower? I would rather not have flowers at my funeral...spend the money at a reputable animal shelter and I may spare you future hauntings.
37. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate chip cookie dough but I love all ice cream...it's my favorite treat. Does coffee ice cream have caffeine cause I swear it's kept me up at night.
38. Favorite fast food restaurant? Fast food and restaurant is an oxymoron.
39. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Not once...I can chew gum and walk at the same time, too.
40. From whom did you get your last email? Rob Tartaglia 41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Bang Bang at the Freehold mall.
42.Bedtime: Can we all say redundant?
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? I'd love to see George W. Bush's response to this imposing little quiz.
44. What are you listening to right now? The click of my typing
45. What is your favorite color? Pink
46. How many tattoos do you have? 2
47. How many are you sending this email to? My favorite teacher was an english professor in college. His name was Barry but I can't remember his last name. He let us smoke in class and we all thought that was way cool.
48. What time did you finish this email? 1:38 PM, while eating an egg roll at my desk for lunch. Too lazy to go home for lunch today so I figured I'd waste my time doing this.
49. Favorite magazine? What a stupid way to end this, huh? Favorite magazine???
Philly Newscast
Dear Daniel:
I was watching a Philadelphia newscast the other night on TV. It’s disconcerting enough to watch Philly news instead of New York news, but what was really alarming was what the big-haired, spray painted anchor woman was reporting. Apparently, a new “study” was conducted on suicide rates and the results were disturbing. Teenagers, often the “winners” of the suicide sweepstakes, were dethroned and kicked down to the number two slot. The fastest growing portion of our society committing suicide? Women between the ages of 40-55! And plastic anchor lady appeared surprised…probably because she was about two decades away from that lucky age group. But, not me…I’m not the least surprised. I could’ve told them to watch my peers and I like hawks long ago. Why? Must you ask?
Woman between 40 and 55 are stretched like rubber bands around the Sunday paper. We are the heads of households. We are the bread winners and the health benefits holders. We are the high-heeled office tsars and the slippered Mommies. But, I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been hearing all this for three decades. Well, you’re right…but after three decades it’s starting to GET to us! We’ve just been patient, waiting perhaps for things to change. But they haven’t. So, quite simply, we’re starting to off ourselves. Sue us.
I certainly don’t intend to make light of suicide. But, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, where does that leave us? That’s right…an inkblot on the grill of a Mack truck. Maybe we can stop this trend before it’s too late. We’re not asking for that much…just our fair share of life’s pie. Is it so wrong to want to be paid as much as men for doing the same job? Currently, women are paid 76 cents per every dollar a man makes for an identical daily routine, whether she is a maid or a doctor. That same woman will put in at least an 8 hour day doing something she probably doesn’t like all that much. She will then go home to a house that isn’t as clean as she’d like, to children who could care less what kind of a day she’s had…I know this because most women between 40 and 55 have TEENAGERS. It is inherently impossible for teenagers to care about anything not directly affecting their own lives, even though Mom is trying to spread that 76 cents per every dollar to include THEIR college tuitions.
Maybe the aforementioned head of the household has no children. Is she in the clear? Ever hear of menopause?? Childless or not, she’s starting on the long journey towards back hair and the inevitable weight gain that comes with menstrual loss. Not to mention the hormonal rage. I can all but guarantee that she wanted to murder at least one motorist on her commute to work. And if you’re looking for her at around 3 PM, try looking under her desk, where she is most likely rolled up in the fetal position trying to catch up on the sleep she cannot get at night.
Three decades ago, Mom most likely had a spouse to share these joys. At present, half of all woman in this age bracket are divorced and handling all this very much alone. Which means, that in all likelihood, she’s…gasp…dating! Add a middle-aged, luggage laden man to the equation and ugliness will surely ensue. Along with inane small talk. Not to mention step-children and ex-spouses.
My intention is not to whine but to educate. If you know a woman who is between 40 and 55 years old, show her kindness and patience. At the very least, get off her frigging back. Thank you for listening.
I was watching a Philadelphia newscast the other night on TV. It’s disconcerting enough to watch Philly news instead of New York news, but what was really alarming was what the big-haired, spray painted anchor woman was reporting. Apparently, a new “study” was conducted on suicide rates and the results were disturbing. Teenagers, often the “winners” of the suicide sweepstakes, were dethroned and kicked down to the number two slot. The fastest growing portion of our society committing suicide? Women between the ages of 40-55! And plastic anchor lady appeared surprised…probably because she was about two decades away from that lucky age group. But, not me…I’m not the least surprised. I could’ve told them to watch my peers and I like hawks long ago. Why? Must you ask?
Woman between 40 and 55 are stretched like rubber bands around the Sunday paper. We are the heads of households. We are the bread winners and the health benefits holders. We are the high-heeled office tsars and the slippered Mommies. But, I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been hearing all this for three decades. Well, you’re right…but after three decades it’s starting to GET to us! We’ve just been patient, waiting perhaps for things to change. But they haven’t. So, quite simply, we’re starting to off ourselves. Sue us.
I certainly don’t intend to make light of suicide. But, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, where does that leave us? That’s right…an inkblot on the grill of a Mack truck. Maybe we can stop this trend before it’s too late. We’re not asking for that much…just our fair share of life’s pie. Is it so wrong to want to be paid as much as men for doing the same job? Currently, women are paid 76 cents per every dollar a man makes for an identical daily routine, whether she is a maid or a doctor. That same woman will put in at least an 8 hour day doing something she probably doesn’t like all that much. She will then go home to a house that isn’t as clean as she’d like, to children who could care less what kind of a day she’s had…I know this because most women between 40 and 55 have TEENAGERS. It is inherently impossible for teenagers to care about anything not directly affecting their own lives, even though Mom is trying to spread that 76 cents per every dollar to include THEIR college tuitions.
Maybe the aforementioned head of the household has no children. Is she in the clear? Ever hear of menopause?? Childless or not, she’s starting on the long journey towards back hair and the inevitable weight gain that comes with menstrual loss. Not to mention the hormonal rage. I can all but guarantee that she wanted to murder at least one motorist on her commute to work. And if you’re looking for her at around 3 PM, try looking under her desk, where she is most likely rolled up in the fetal position trying to catch up on the sleep she cannot get at night.
Three decades ago, Mom most likely had a spouse to share these joys. At present, half of all woman in this age bracket are divorced and handling all this very much alone. Which means, that in all likelihood, she’s…gasp…dating! Add a middle-aged, luggage laden man to the equation and ugliness will surely ensue. Along with inane small talk. Not to mention step-children and ex-spouses.
My intention is not to whine but to educate. If you know a woman who is between 40 and 55 years old, show her kindness and patience. At the very least, get off her frigging back. Thank you for listening.
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